Thursday, October 27, 2005

So here's what someone on the web has to say about my sunny half-sister Tina Dreamworld.

"Tina Dream World is a Far East dream shop for the lady that wants just that little extra. Payable elegant evening dresses descanted from India, mostly manufactured by hand, finished pearls and brilliants, everything is available in big sizes. But Tina Dream World is absolutely not a traditional sari shop – the collection is for everybody who is in for chic and glamour."

This person is not a native English speaker.

Tina Dreamworld and Tina Hellhole are half-sisters. Tina Hellhole's mother is Liza Minelli, and Tina Dreamworld's mother was Karen Carpenter. We aren't sure who our father was, but we have it narrowed down to three: Truman Capote, Ed Koch, or Fidel Castro. They're all dead now, except for Koch and Castro. As yet, none have consented to a paternity test, except poor Truman, but when they extracted human tissue from his remains, the alcohol/drug content was so high as to render it unusable.

Here is a picture of Tina Dreamworld:


Here is a picture of Tina Hellhole, aged seven, enjoying a refreshing beverage with Auntie Joan and Uncle Spiro:


Here is Tina Hellhole today:


Tina Hellhole and Tina Dreamworld are also the lead singers of The Autists, a band that is about to change everything. Check here for more details, at the Bushwick Hotel, their official hospitality and prostitution venue.
The Autists love the Bushwick Hotel!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

After filing a complaint against Verizon DSL with the New York State Attorney General's office, I FINALLY HAVE MY INTERNET BACK ON!!!! Oh, the magic of civics!

I have a new story up at Nerve.com, should any of you wish to read it. It is called "Europe, Ho!". Feel free to leave lots of nice compliments.

Also, Shafer Hall and I are embarking on a new poetry collaboration--poems about people listed that day in the obituaries! A wonderful way to combine High Art and one of my more morbid habits. (that is, reading the obituaries. I know you aren't supposed to do that until you are in your fifties, but I've always been precocious.)

On a happy note--Ben has asked me to marry him, and I have accepted. So now we are engaged people. It's a new world, a world full of place cards, guest lists, and mind-boggling expense.

But it is a very happy time indeed.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

MY DEAREST FRIENDS--

I have two very thrilling things to inform you of!

1. The world-premiere of my BRAND-NEW play, SEQUINS FOR SATAN, will be open for your viewing pleasure on November 15 and 16 at 8pm!

you must come oh yes you must! it has chasidim and deranged little boys, tennessee williams' grandmas and Cabalists, songs and dances and squirrels and the one and only LIZA MINELLLI, playing a burn victim! if you don't see this play you will be sorry forever, and the secrets of the universe will never be unlocked for you, no matter how much you pray and listen to Madonna. never, never, never. and i for one, can't wait to see you there!

SEQUINS FOR SATAN
by Rachel Shukert
directed by Mr. Stephen Brackett
gowns by This Old Thing?

November 15 and 16 at 8pm
Under St. Mark's Theater
94 St. Mark's Place (between 1st and A)

featuring: Mr. Reginald Veneziano, Mr. Michael Crichton, Mr. Justin Tranter, Miss Lacey Langston, Miss Rachel Shukert, Mr. Benjamin Abramowitz, Mr. Jake Margolin, Mr. Joe McCanta, Miss Vanessa Sparling, and you!

2. My very exciting story about the oral sex habits of the Jewess is featured in the latest issue of Heeb magazine! check out the website at www.heebmagazine.com and buy it, wherever you buy magazines! Miss Sarah Silverman is featured on the cover!

I hope you will take it upon yourself to participate in at least one of these wonderful things. see you soon!

bye for now!

love,
rachel Shukert