Thursday, September 29, 2005

Hi.

I haven't posted for a long time, because my internet has been shut down. Hopefully goes back up today, and you can look forward to all sorts of new news about why corporations are evil.

Please keep checking in! I'm sorry!

Monday, September 12, 2005

So, this Friday, we embark to the Ha of Oma to STAR in the Omaha Lit Fest!

www.omahalitfest.com

I shall read, and a play of mine shall be read. It's very exciting. What SHALL I WEAR?

If you happen to be hurdling around the Midwest, looking for a good time, come on down!

Also, my two chapbooks, "Kitschmenschen" and "When I am Poor" are ready to go. Would you like one? For the low price of seven American dollars, 20 minutes of pure poetic joy can be yours.

Check out my profile and e-mail me, should this be something you cannot live without.

Busy, busy, busy!

Friday, September 09, 2005

This courtesy of our dear Ben:

Thursday, September 08, 2005

So,

My burlesque name is TINA HELLHOLE.

Just wanted to get that up, in case any of my FANS google it and want to know the maid behind the mystery. Or, MISSTERY. Miss Terry. Also not a bad name, if you're into that kind of thing. I'm not. My pasties were just two crosses of masking tape, little x's over my nipples like a stick figure drawing of someone drunk or dead or dead drunk.

Remember, TINA HELLHOLE. Keep the name in mind, and she's not to be confused with her younger, sunnier sister, TINA DREAMWORLD.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I'M A POET. DID YOU KNOW IT?


10.
Formal, conscientious, and proper,
The cheese curl lover is potent,
Cromulent--
Mork and Mindy when an innocent
Afternoon snack let all hell break loose.
Ever wonder how smart you are?
Like so smart you can see through to
The other side of stupid?
Insanity is not an option when you
Can’t get cheese and onion flavored
Crisps anymore. It’s all Bavarian cheddar
And shallot, and experts say that the smell of
Dead cicadas is just about right when choosing
A Limburger. My mother says cocks smell like cheese
And that’s why she was a lesbian
For three weeks in 1974.


11.
Despite Brett’s inquiries about what
Emma and Mary Percival had seen in the spacecraft
No bandage can cover my scars
It’s hard living a life behind bars.
Every bean, every
Bullet, every bare, dark shin and
Ornate walking cane is infinitely more expensive.
That’s what I hate about
This child-worship thing going on right now.
Remember a fella called Martin Luther? His
Skin was dry and scaly like a crocodile and
On his poultice someone had written
“VIVE LA PAIX for I am the Queen of the Succubi!”
But between the snake-handlers, thinly veiled atheists
And people who pray to fire hydrants
No one knows how they
Turned him into Martin Sheen.



12.
He didn’t have a favorite girl band, but
Tristan’s a dirty boy when it comes to sand dunes.
We went and got some Wendy’s
Before the newspaper article came out
Linking us directly to the spread of AIDS in Oahu, then
We headed over to the Make Out Club in
Britt, Iowa, where our
English was fluent and eroticism a dark and shadowy thing.
Man, that boy has a lot of shit.
But while he may be goofy,
Nasty, and powerfully retarded, this Japanese
Film clip will explain it all.
His name was Jesus Christ
And he died a 33-year-old virgin.

Monday, September 05, 2005

My cat hates it when you scratch her belly.

Well, that makes two of us.

Today, I discovered that I can take my bra off using only two fingers. I am so excited to be a stripper! I'm living my "Gypsy" fantasy, except my personal "Gypsy" fantasy is singing Rose's Turn at the last Presidential Inagural Ball, only to slowly peel off my clothes and guess what! I have a penis!

And then Donald Rumsfeld stands up and says..."I'd know that foreskin anywhere. Gary? Is that you?"


I can't say anything else about the disaster that hasn't been said already. My main hope is that the press will start doing their job again and hang these fucking rimjobs out to dry. (ha ha...DRY!) There's no excuse for this kind of blatant incompetence/indifference/evil in any country, anywhere. Here's my plan--anybody that voted for Bush has to pay a special tax that will go to hurricane relief, administered by the UN and led by Canadian task forces. That's my plan, and I'm sticking by it. Voters that knew Bush fully knew that Bush was a talking flake of diarrhea and voted for him anyway, because "Republicans are good for business" will be called upon to be the primary blood donors, if needed, and are also required to hire Katrina refugees and provide full benefits.

As for the fundies who "cherish life", as long as its unborn/brain dead and not if its gay/foreign/functionally alive, I don't know what to say. I don't understand them well enough to think of a proper punishment, and I can't pretend to. Any ideas?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

If there are any among you who have not yet seen me take my clothes off (and I imagine that number to be relatively few) I shall be dishabilling in style at the "Galapagos Monday Burlesque Night"

Monday, September 5
Galapagos
N.6th between Berry and Wythe in the burg of William.
10pm
FREE NAKED PEOPLE!

I expect I shall be the least naked of those performing. I don't drink scotch in the summers. However, this leads us to our next order of business, THE FABULOUS NAKED CHALLENGE.

To which song shall I gratuitiously expose my flesh for the titillation of German tourists and middle-aged lesbians that comprise the bulk of this audience? Thoughts?

Also, if you come, and clap loud enough for me, I can win money. Thus, I alone have filled the empty threat made by generations of women in my family (or at least one, that I know of, and it isn't me)--"If you don't pay for ______, I'll just run off and become a stripper!"

And so the prophecy comes to pass. And so, I die.